


tomorrow

by orphan_account



Series: help me breathe [12]
Category: Topp Dogg (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gangs, GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY PART TWO, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-23
Updated: 2015-10-23
Packaged: 2018-04-27 09:13:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5042527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone is okay.<br/>(And that's the end of that.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	tomorrow

**Author's Note:**

> fun fact: the series was supposed to stop here and then it didn't. i totally fucked over my plans for the ending of this and thus opened up so many more plotlines and someone's gonna die soon. i promise you someone will
> 
> anyway. kudos + comments are appreciated!!

Sehyuk feels the burn of curious and scornful stares. He hasn’t been out in public proper in over a year, so it’s understandable that he has so many eyes on him. He flips the collar of his leather jacket up so it’s a little more bearable.

He’s not at this diner just to be there. He has a loose end to tie off.

“Hello, Sehyuk,” Junhee says as he approaches, and he can’t keep the smile off his face as she rises to hug him. It’s different from the hug Sangdo gave him yesterday- it’s warm, longing, full of everything Sehyuk wants. They’re still friends, even after all these years, even after Junhee left with Sohee and started their own sect. Junhee still likes him.

“How have you been?” Junhee asks as they sit down, and Sehyuk shakes his head in reply. “That bad, huh? Things have been pretty quiet where I live… Yoori got married, that’s really it.”

Sehyuk nods in acknowledgement. “I hope she’s happy.”

“Mmhm, she is. But, Sehyuk. You haven’t contacted me in… nearly five years, so why now? What’s up?”

Sehyuk inhales, knowing he’d have to explain but not quite ready for it. “… By this time tomorrow, Junhee, I hope to be dead. You are the only person I’m interested in saying goodbye to.”

Junhee seems oddly unfazed, running a hand through her hair. “Well. I’m not going to question why, but… I’m glad, then. Not that you’re planning on dying, no, but I’m glad you contacted me.” She smiles, then, as gorgeous as usual. “Wherever you end up, dead or alive, I’m sure you’ll be fine.”

Tears prick at Sehyuk’s eyes but he ignores them in favor of bringing up Junhee’s new hair. She’d always had red hair for as long as Sehyuk had known her, but now it’s long and blonde, tied up in a high ponytail. It looks good, Sehyuk tells her. Junhee thanks him.

Sehyuk has a lot to live for, maybe. But he doesn’t deserve any of it. Junhee’s friendship, sect member loyalty, love- none of it.

For now, he’ll let Junhee pay the bill once they’re finished eating and he’ll wish her luck and tell her to make sure her sect members take care of themselves.

Something unsaid lingers in the back of Sehyuk’s mind once they part, something he should have told Junhee. He hopes she has the common sense to know.

( _Make sure you don’t make the same mistakes as me_.)

 

It doesn’t take much to find Yoonchul’s house.

About three miles outside of town, settled back into a field at the end of a long driveway. It’s a cute house, and Sehyuk stands by the road for a few moments, staring across the field. He can’t see anyone from here, of course, just the house itself.

He hasn’t seen Yoonchul in a good two years, not since the last time he enlisted his help with eliminating a particular sect in the south side of town that was rather vocal about their hatred for Sehyuk.

This must be where Dongsung is. Sehyuk has no desire for him back, not anymore, but he wants Dongsung to be the one to kill him.

Instead of heading down the driveway, Sehyuk sits on the side of the road, far enough out that nobody will hit him if they drive through, and stares down at his lap.

He feels so deflated, like an unfilled balloon. The only thing filling him up was- what, exactly? Hunger, hatred, a sense of chasing after something he can never catch. Now the unattainable is disappearing over the horizon and he’s left with someone he never bothered to care about- himself.

He wipes his sweaty palms on his knees, wind blowing his unkempt hair into his face. Sangdo was right, as he always is, and this time it doesn’t make Sehyuk mad. It makes him… disappointed. Disappointed that Sangdo sees more worth in Sehyuk than Sehyuk has ever seen in himself. Disappointed that he could do something with himself but he’ll never escape the shadow of this: the things he did and the things he’s said, the people he’s ruined, the lives he’s destroyed.

Sehyuk feels far more fragile than he ever has in his life.

He gets up, feeling like the wind could blow him over at any second, and makes the long trek towards Yoonchul’s front door.

 

“Hey, Dongsung.”

Dongsung raises his head from his pillow (technically Sanggyun’s pillow, this is supposed to be his room) at Sanggyun’s soft voice, seeing the boy leaning into the room, face oddly drawn. “Yes?”

“Uh, there’s- look, I’m not gonna fuck around. Sehyuk’s here and he looks like shit, he said he was here to see you.”

Dongsung’s heart skips a beat.  _Sehyuk_. Just the name is enough to ignite something in him, like his heart is dry kindling, and he nods curtly, prompting Sanggyun to leave him alone.

Dongsung’s almost afraid. What will he do when he sees Sehyuk? Will he kill him?

… Is that Sehyuk’s  _plan_?

He peeks around the edge of the door, seeing down the hall and into the living room. There’s a couch in the way, the back facing the hall, but he recognizes Yoonchul by his fluffy hair and sees Sanggyun still walking back to the couch, so that just leaves Sehyuk, sitting on the couch along the far wall with his face hidden behind his hands.

Dongsung isn’t as angry as he expected himself to be.

His foot hits a creaky floorboard and Sehyuk’s head raises, though there’s no emotion on his face. In fact, he looks like he should be in pieces, like broken pottery. It’s like nothing Dongsung’s ever seen on him before; usually, his face is the picture of practiced confidence, controlled and calm. Now, he looks… tarnished. Ripped to shreds and taped back together.

 _Did I do this_?

“Hello, Dongsung,” Sehyuk says, and even his voice is different, smaller somehow. He normally speaks with a sort of affected grandeur, eager cockiness. It’s unsettling. “I’m not here to do anything of note, don’t worry. I’m here to die, actually.”

 _Die?_  “What?” Dongsung asks, stopping at the mouth of the hallway.

Sehyuk inhales deeply, folding over so he’s looking at the floor instead of at anyone in the room. “I… I’ve given up, I suppose. If you put too much pressure on glass, it breaks… if you put too many items in a plastic bag, it bursts. If you live your life like I have, you perish, just on the inside.” Sehyuk rubs his eyes , leaving his fingertips pressed against his closed eyelids. “It sounds like I’m pitying myself, trying to garner some sort of late-life affection, but that’s not it at all. Really, I’m just stating what I already knew, but tried to cover up until now. I want Dongsung to kill me.”

The words settle heavy on Dongsung’s shoulders, like a weight of responsibility. Kill him. A request, not a demand, not anything Dongsung’s ever been compelled by Sehyuk himself to do, not since the first time.

Sehyuk stands, slowly, and Dongsung oddly feels no fear when Sehyuk approaches him, nor when he reaches out to take Dongsung’s hands in his. Dongsung barely notices Sanggyun and Yoonchul exiting the room.

“Here,” Sehyuk says, bringing Dongsung’s hands to his neck and resting his hands over Dongsung’s, curling his fingers to urge Dongsung to do the same. “You couldn’t do it the first time, because you didn’t know how horrible I was, right? Now you do, so…” Sehyuk’s hold tightens, but Dongsung’s does not. “Go ahead.”

There’s a strong pull. A pull to push his thumbs against Sehyuk’s throat, shove him to the ground and crush him, smash him into a million pieces- a pull to pick up a priceless vase and throw it against the wall.

“No,” Dongsung whispers, shaking his head. “No. I can’t-  _I won’t_.”

Sehyuk is crying. Dongsung realizes it’s the first time he’s ever seen it. “There’s nothing else for me to do, Dongsung. I want to die and you deserve to kill me.”

Dongsung pulls his hands out of Sehyuk’s grasp. Sehyuk lets him step away, keeping his hands resting on his own neck. “That’s what you want, though. You’ve never- never once cared about what I want, so I’m… I’m not going to do what you want, not anymore. If…” Dongsung takes a deep breath. Something deep inside him still tells him he shouldn’t be talking like this to his superior, his master. “If you want to die so bad, you’ll have to get someone else to kill you.”

Something deep inside him also tells him he shouldn’t reach out, that he shouldn’t wipe the tears off of Sehyuk’s cheeks. He does it anyway, and Sehyuk’s hands fit over his, gentle. Sad. Dongsung feels some sort of guilt.

“I’m sorry,” Sehyuk says, quiet, tears filling his eyes once more. “It’s not going to fix anything, I know it’s not, but I’m sorry. I always just… I wanted someone to respect me. I wanted someone to- to love me, as much as everyone always loved Sangdo.” He laughs, going to wipe his eyes. Dongsung does it for him. “That’s all it’s ever been about. That’s all that’s ever driven me to do anything. It’s never been about myself, personally, it’s always just… been about what I thought I deserved. And it’s not anything, I don’t deserve anything.”

“I can’t love you,” Dongsung whispers. He’s so horribly conflicted, but that is the only thing that rings true.

Sehyuk smiles. “Of course you can’t. You never did. You were never going to. And I’m sorry for forcing you to.” Sehyuk steps away, and Dongsung almost doesn’t want him to go. Almost.

“Wait-” Dongsung grabs hold of Sehyuk’s arm, stopping him. He hates having Sehyuk’s forlorn eyes on him. “I… one last time. Can I kiss you? One last time?”

Sehyuk seems to think about it for a few moments, searching Dongsung’s face. Maybe he’s looking for sincerity, ulterior motives. Hatred. When Sehyuk nods, Dongsung gently puts a hand on Sehyuk’s cheek, stepping closer so he can kiss him softly. He’s never once kissed Sehyuk like this, not outside of the bedroom, and definitely not without malice or the intent to wound. Now, it seems more like it’s an attempt to… not bandage the wounds, but to prevent more from opening.

Sehyuk wipes his face once more when Dongsung pulls away, inhaling. “If you’re going to force me to stay alive, Dongsung…” Sehyuk says, and his tone makes it seem almost like he’s trying to pull his past self into the equation. Trying to pull himself back together. “Will you come with me to meet with the others? I’ll have to dissolve the sect, there’s nothing left for me there. There’s never been anything for any of us there, truly.”

Dongsung thinks that maybe it’s a bad idea. He nods anyway.

 

“So. It’s over.” Hansol deadpans, and Sehyuk nods.

“Wow, you fucking pussy.” Sangwon says, and Dongsung almost feels some kind of protectiveness wash over him. It’s just a remnant of the past trying to tell him to punish Sangwon for disrespecting Sehyuk. He doesn’t need to protect Sehyuk anymore.

Sehyuk simply smiles. “I suppose so. There was never any point to this sect beyond my own selfish desires, and while I’m sure that’s how the majority of sects are made, this went too far, for far too long.” Dongsung sees tears gathering in Sehyuk’s eyes again, and he wants to wipe them away. “I can’t atone for anything I’ve done. My crimes are too heavy, and there’s no forgiving them. There’s no forgiving anything that any of us have done. So, there’s no reason for us to continue like this.”

Hansol and Taeyang nod in understanding, while Sangwon continues looking like a particularly upset child.

“But…” Taeyang begins, then stops, as if he’s unsure if he should continue. “… What about you? What will you do now?”

“I’ll just… be gone.” Sehyuk closes his eyes, and a tear escapes. “I won’t be dead, not yet at least… but I won’t be around. You won’t have to worry about me. No matter what happens to me, dead or alive, I’ll be fine.”

 

Dongsung stops Sehyuk as he walks away. He doesn’t know what he wants to say, but Sehyuk turns to Dongsung, obviously waiting for something.

“I- I’ll- My number will be the same,” He says, hoping that Sehyuk gets the implication.

He does. Sehyuk takes Dongsung’s hands in his, bringing them to his face and kissing the scars along his knuckles fondly. “You have to let me go, Dongsung. There’s no reason to try and be friends with me, after all I did to you, no matter how much you may want to.” Dongsung opens his mouth to protest, but Sehyuk keeps talking. “But, before I go, I want to say one last thing. Dongsung, even though you weren’t yourself, and even though I made you that way… thank you. Thank you for all you’ve done for me, and for protecting me, and for making me feel… wanted, in the smallest ways. I hope you’ll be happy.”

“I hope you’ll be happy as well,” Dongsung replies, and it feels less like formality and forced politeness and more like genuine hopes. “And you’re welcome.”

There are unsaid things as Sehyuk walks away, going wherever he’s planning on disappearing to, and as Dongsung returns back to his temporary home with Yoonchul and Sanggyun. Things like,  _I would still protect you_ ;  _I wish you hadn’t done that to me_ ;  _I could have loved you, really_.

Dongsung can’t stop the tears once they’ve begun, when he’s safe at home and in his bed. And nobody comes to check on him, because they know it’s probably just part of the coping process.

Sehyuk’s not wrong. Dongsung does need to let go. It won’t do them any good, because a part of Dongsung will always hate Sehyuk, and a part of Sehyuk will always be void. But oh, how Dongsung wishes.

 

Hansol is sitting on the curb checking his email when he hears someone yell his name.

He lifts his head, looking dully past the traffic and people, until his eyes fall on a boy waving an arm, trying to get Hansol’s attention but shy about it. It’s only until the boy’s halfway across the road that Hansol realizes who it is.

“Hansol,” Byungjoo says, once he’s in front of Hansol, and Hansol returns his attention to his phone.

“Hi. What do you want?”

Byungjoo sits beside him on the curb. “I… I heard, about the sect dissolving. I wasn’t actually expecting to see you, and I figured I shouldn’t come talk to you but… y’know.”

Hansol nods, putting his phone away and turning his attention to Byungjoo. “You look well,” Hansol says, conversationally, and Byungjoo smiles.

“I wish I could say the same for you, you kind of look like a dog turd. Are you gonna be okay?”

Hansol sighs, standing up. “Probably not, but hey. What’s new. Walk with me.”

Byungjoo stands up as well, dusting his pants off and walking alongside Hansol into town.

“Tell me what’s been happening,” Hansol says, reaching into his pocket for his cigarette pack.

“You started smoking?” Byungjoo asks, watching as Hansol lights a cigarette and then puts his cigarettes and lighter away once more.

“Yep. Started after you left, it gave me something to do. I miss you sometimes.”

Byungjoo doesn’t reply proper, just makes a noise of acknowledgement and then launches into detailed accounts of things that have happened since he joined Sangdo’s sect.

Hansol interrupts him with, “Let’s be friends.”

Byungjoo stops short, looking at Hansol with wide eyes. “What?”

“I said, let’s be friends. We were never friends before, and I was… you know. Not the best. So, let’s be friends.”

Byungjoo licks his lips, seemingly nervous. After a few minutes’ thought and more walking, he eventually says, “Okay. Sure.”

 

“Okay, Yoonchul. I agreed to let Dongsung live with us until he could actually like, function enough to get a job and move out. But… this dude.” Sanggyun makes a gesture to Taeyang, not caring that Taeyang is literally sitting right there. “I didn’t agree to this.”

“Look, he doesn’t have anywhere else to go, right?” Yoonchul turns to Taeyang for affirmation, and Taeyang jumps.

“U-Uh, well, I guess I have- I could go back to my informant group, but I’ve been gone for… almost a year, they probably wouldn’t take me back.” Taeyang scratches the back of his neck, looking away from Yoonchul. “I just… I don’t fucking trust Sangwon, I’m tired of that shit. And I don’t have any friends, not really, and I knew that Dongsung had come to stay with you two, so I thought maybe I could stay here for a bit. Just a bit, though!” Taeyang adds, looking to Sanggyun for this bit.

Sanggyun stares at Taeyang for a moment, at his almost adorably tired eyes and small stature. “Fuck, okay. Fine. But you get less leniency, Dongsung is like a recovering crack addict and you’re just the leader of group therapy.”

“That made no sense, but somehow I understand.” Taeyang says, and Sanggyun nods, turning back to Yoonchul.

“I like him, he’s okay. He can stay.”

 

 _Sometimes today is hopeless, with no point to it. But that’s okay, because tomorrow is always another day_.


End file.
